1 00:00:28,460 --> 00:00:31,500 Good evening, it's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Isn't it, isn't 2 00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:34,200 it? On the show tonight, we've got extracts from three plays. 3 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:39,160 Fanny by Gaslight, a new play set on the top story of a fizzy lemonade factory 4 00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:45,160 called Gassy by Fanlight, and a play about an old lady who was rescued from a 5 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:48,860 lighthouse after she sent an SOS by torch called Granny by Flashlight. 6 00:00:50,740 --> 00:00:55,620 And we'll be asking the cast of Oh Calcutta to change roles as they all 7 00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:56,640 each other's parts backwards. 8 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:02,260 But first, the news. 9 00:01:02,860 --> 00:01:06,820 A lorryload of custard today collided with a goods train carrying cakes and 10 00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:10,740 wine. British Rail have asked us to announce that trains will be late, but 11 00:01:10,740 --> 00:01:11,740 a trifle. 12 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:20,940 British scientists made history this week in the field of interbreeding when 13 00:01:20,940 --> 00:01:23,880 they crossed a skunk with a fairy and got a whiff and poof. 14 00:01:28,650 --> 00:01:33,110 The American president announced today that the U .S. space program is so short 15 00:01:33,110 --> 00:01:36,790 of funds that in future all astronauts who go to the moon will have to pay 16 00:01:36,790 --> 00:01:37,790 own fare. 17 00:01:39,070 --> 00:01:44,630 And a man is recovering in Bradford tonight after a 20 -foot girder fell 18 00:01:44,630 --> 00:01:48,610 building. It was fantastically lucky, he said. The girder missed my left 19 00:01:48,610 --> 00:01:50,010 shoulder by only three inches. 20 00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:51,470 It hit him on the head. 21 00:01:54,670 --> 00:01:58,790 And reports that doctors are widening the range they specialise in were 22 00:01:58,790 --> 00:02:02,690 confirmed today by Dr Sidney Smith, an ear, nose, throat, dandruff and belly 23 00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:03,690 button specialist. 24 00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:12,670 And two doctors, two doctors who examined the ears of one of Britain's 25 00:02:12,670 --> 00:02:15,930 politicians today are concerned about what they saw. 26 00:02:16,190 --> 00:02:17,410 They saw each other. 27 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,880 A Lincoln man has beaten the world record for standing on his head. 28 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:29,000 He said afterwards it was easy. I could have done it standing on my feet. 29 00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:32,880 And now it's time for a sketch. 30 00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:36,920 We should warn you that this sketch will contain scenes that are not suitable 31 00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:39,360 for Mexican hairdressers who don't speak a word of English. 32 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,200 Morning. Good morning. 33 00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:46,500 I'd like an eagle. 34 00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:50,120 What sort of eagle? 35 00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:52,240 One that flies, you know. 36 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,140 Oh, yes, I know the sort. 37 00:02:55,020 --> 00:02:56,320 They're no good for roasting, you know. 38 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:01,500 They're a bit springy. I don't want to roast it. Ah, good. I could tell you 39 00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:02,500 a bit of a gourmet. 40 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:06,440 You see, if you want to cook them best, chop them up. Chop them up. Saute them 41 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:10,120 in a little bit of stock. Add the red wine, a couple of bay leaves, and your 42 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:11,120 will love the talons. 43 00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:14,720 I don't want an eagle to eat. 44 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,700 Oh, good. Very good. For your wife to eat, is it? 45 00:03:18,330 --> 00:03:21,230 I'm not married. I didn't think you were married when I heard you were doing all 46 00:03:21,230 --> 00:03:22,230 your own cooking. 47 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:25,510 It's not much fun, you know, being in charge of a butcher shop. 48 00:03:26,270 --> 00:03:27,270 This is a pet shop. 49 00:03:27,430 --> 00:03:28,430 Yes, I know. What's the difference? 50 00:03:28,890 --> 00:03:30,450 Butchers sell animals dead, we sell them alive. 51 00:03:31,370 --> 00:03:33,450 Do you fancy a nice penguin sandwich? 52 00:03:34,870 --> 00:03:37,630 Not at the moment, thank you, no. Do you fancy a French mustard to take away the 53 00:03:37,630 --> 00:03:39,890 nasty fishy taste? Look, what about my eagle? 54 00:03:40,210 --> 00:03:41,470 You've got an eagle, have you? 55 00:03:42,210 --> 00:03:45,330 Oh, I'll give you a good price for that. I haven't got an eagle. 56 00:03:45,550 --> 00:03:46,630 I want an eagle. 57 00:03:46,890 --> 00:03:48,610 Now, if you want to eat it here, I'll take it with you. 58 00:03:49,770 --> 00:03:51,110 I want to take it with me. 59 00:03:51,590 --> 00:03:55,070 You've got friends coming round for dinner, have you? Yes, yes, I've got 60 00:03:55,070 --> 00:03:58,170 friends all coming round for dinner, all ravenous for a nice piece of eagle, 61 00:03:58,270 --> 00:04:00,990 yes. Right, here we are. There we are. 62 00:04:03,250 --> 00:04:04,250 There you are. 63 00:04:05,150 --> 00:04:06,150 That's not an eagle. 64 00:04:06,650 --> 00:04:09,850 That's Ted. Ted the eagle. That's a dormouse. Where? Where? Where? Don't let 65 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:12,670 see it, for goodness sake. In the box. In the box with Ted, a dormouse? 66 00:04:12,890 --> 00:04:15,490 Goodness me, you'll have him in no time. Goodness me, he's eaten them all up. 67 00:04:15,510 --> 00:04:19,430 Not a thing you left. Would you believe that? Oh, the wicked these eagles, you 68 00:04:19,430 --> 00:04:21,370 know. Don't let him be near your fingers whenever you're going to have them. 69 00:04:21,630 --> 00:04:28,570 Listen, this dormouse, Ted, Ted the eagle. All right, Ted the eagle is not 70 00:04:28,570 --> 00:04:29,830 eagle. He's a dormouse. 71 00:04:30,650 --> 00:04:33,510 It's a baby eagle. No, no, I'm sorry. I'm not interested. 72 00:04:34,310 --> 00:04:36,520 He's not any... Sort of eagle. 73 00:04:37,780 --> 00:04:42,260 Well, I must be honest with you, make no bones about it, eagles are hard to come 74 00:04:42,260 --> 00:04:45,720 by and they're a bit expensive. What about that? 75 00:04:47,980 --> 00:04:48,980 That's an egg. 76 00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:51,360 I see you know what you're talking about. 77 00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:54,540 This is a do -it -yourself eagle kit. 78 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:57,740 Cut out the middleman. 79 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,540 And what am I supposed to do with that? Well, wait a minute. It comes with a 80 00:05:02,540 --> 00:05:06,120 set. It's a map of the mountains of Scotland, some climbing boots, and a 81 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:07,120 woolly hat. 82 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:08,640 See? I'm afraid of heights. 83 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,280 Well, so are eagles. Why do you think they're all hiding under my counter 84 00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:14,920 How would I hatch that out? Well, you sit on it, you see. 85 00:05:15,260 --> 00:05:18,720 You must be very careful. I'll just put these away, because I don't like them 86 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,480 lying about. You must sit on it. You must be very careful not to break it, 87 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,900 see. The slightest sound of a crack, jump off. 88 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,640 Because small as they are, they have an awkward chart beat. 89 00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:31,970 How long would I have to sit on that? 90 00:05:34,330 --> 00:05:35,330 Three months. 91 00:05:36,450 --> 00:05:40,010 No, no, I foresee certain difficulties. I'm afraid I haven't got the time to 92 00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:43,370 spare in my line of work. Oh, yes? What is your line of work? I'm a U -boat 93 00:05:43,370 --> 00:05:44,370 commander. 94 00:05:45,670 --> 00:05:48,270 Could I interest you in a nice little giraffe, then? 95 00:05:48,570 --> 00:05:51,250 You know, just to... He'd pop his head above the water for you, have a little 96 00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,169 look around. 97 00:05:52,170 --> 00:05:53,550 Save you going to the expense of a telescope. 98 00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:55,770 No, I've had second thoughts. 99 00:05:55,990 --> 00:05:57,270 Second thoughts? I'll take the eagle. 100 00:05:57,470 --> 00:05:58,470 The eagle, right. 101 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,640 Now, what size boots do you take? No, no, I don't want the egg. I want the 102 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,540 little furry eagle with the tail and the eyes. 103 00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:05,860 Ah. 104 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,560 Ted. Ted the eagle. Ted the little furry eagle, yes. Ah, he's a lovely... Ted. 105 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,820 Ted the eagle, yes. Now, do be careful, now, won't you? That'll be five pounds 106 00:06:13,820 --> 00:06:16,060 in all, by the way. Five pounds in all. Right. Thank you very much. Thank you 107 00:06:16,060 --> 00:06:19,680 very much. And do be very careful with them because there's an awful lot of 108 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:20,679 in them. 109 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,100 I'll wear a little woolly glove. Yes, sir. Thank you very much. 110 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:25,900 Ah, good morning, madam. 111 00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:29,380 How are you, young man? I'm very well. Can I interest you in a nice gorilla? 112 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,300 No. Have you any canaries? 113 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,240 No canaries, madam. Only gorillas. 114 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,380 What about Ted the gorilla? He's a lovely little fellow. Have a look at him 115 00:06:38,380 --> 00:06:39,380 there, Ted. 116 00:07:08,590 --> 00:07:10,130 The summer smiles. 117 00:07:11,170 --> 00:07:13,250 The summer knows. 118 00:07:14,850 --> 00:07:17,590 And unashamed. 119 00:07:18,210 --> 00:07:20,950 She sheds her clothes. 120 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,770 The summer smiles. 121 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:47,480 The summer knows. 122 00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:50,900 The summer's wise. 123 00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:57,200 She sees the doubts within your eyes. 124 00:08:58,340 --> 00:09:00,460 And so she takes... 125 00:10:17,130 --> 00:10:18,130 Good evening. 126 00:10:18,210 --> 00:10:25,010 I want to speak to you tonight about, um, about, uh, about men and women and 127 00:10:25,010 --> 00:10:29,710 they, um, and how they, when they, uh, when, when they, uh, if they. 128 00:10:30,410 --> 00:10:36,130 I'm from the Government Advisory Service on, uh, thingamere, and we believe, we 129 00:10:36,130 --> 00:10:40,470 believe it would be much better if people could be perfectly frank about, 130 00:10:40,470 --> 00:10:44,470 mean, you'll find yourself becoming much happier in every way if only you can be 131 00:10:44,470 --> 00:10:48,860 more outspoken about, um, about being more outspoken, about, you see, for 132 00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:54,020 instance, everyone should be able to talk absolutely freely about, about, um, 133 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:58,700 about, uh, about three months ago I was asked to come here and talk to you 134 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:02,240 about, uh, about, about a flu prevented me then, but here I am now. 135 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,580 Good. That wasn't too embarrassing, was it? 136 00:11:06,060 --> 00:11:08,780 Now, here is a diagram of your, good God. 137 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:18,100 As you can see, the Birmingham one -way system is very complicated and not a 138 00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:19,900 good place for a bit of what have you. 139 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,440 And what have you, that is the question. 140 00:11:22,860 --> 00:11:26,420 People, as some probably know, are of two kinds. 141 00:11:26,900 --> 00:11:27,900 Which kind are you? 142 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:33,100 To help us, here is a nude man and a nude woman after they've put their 143 00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:34,019 back on. 144 00:11:34,020 --> 00:11:37,980 Now, to tell them apart, you just take off, you just, you just take off, you 145 00:11:37,980 --> 00:11:40,300 just, you just take off by frobison. 146 00:11:41,010 --> 00:11:42,230 I'm standing here. 147 00:11:43,010 --> 00:11:48,310 I'm standing here in the middle of... You see, if it's a good take -off, it's 148 00:11:48,310 --> 00:11:50,530 man or it's a woman who sounds like Fife Robertson. 149 00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:56,710 Now, if you look down, if you look down, if you look down your front, you will 150 00:11:56,710 --> 00:12:01,450 see, you will see a thing which we call... a thing which we call the floor. 151 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:06,950 This is not where you do the thing you don't do on the floor. 152 00:12:07,430 --> 00:12:08,970 Unless, of course, you do do it on the floor. 153 00:12:09,690 --> 00:12:11,910 In which case, you're probably a member of a splinter group. 154 00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:15,670 Well, there it is. 155 00:12:15,950 --> 00:12:20,370 Or isn't. And that's what tells you. And the way to tell men and women apart, or 156 00:12:20,370 --> 00:12:24,110 indeed together, is that they both have two. They both have two ears. 157 00:12:24,890 --> 00:12:26,410 Well, of course, it doesn't end there. 158 00:12:26,670 --> 00:12:30,430 I mean, there's really no point in being embarrassed about mentioning certain 159 00:12:30,430 --> 00:12:34,990 parts of the body. Not only the ears, but, of course, our old friend, the 160 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:39,900 I mean, what's embarrassing about the old hooter? Nothing. Keep our nose to 161 00:12:39,900 --> 00:12:41,620 ground and you'll smell the floor. 162 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,640 Which, as I said, is not where you do what you do, when you do, do do what you 163 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,060 do, if you do, and good luck to you. More power to your elbow. Well, not 164 00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:50,060 your elbow. 165 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:54,700 So let us be completely frank, or George, or Harriet, according to how you 166 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:58,520 and let us answer the question, where do babies come from? 167 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,540 Well, some of them come from Luton. 168 00:13:05,770 --> 00:13:08,250 Now, if it's embarrassed you to listen to what I've been speaking about so 169 00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:10,690 outspokenly, speak out. Or, forever, hold your peace. 170 00:13:11,210 --> 00:13:12,530 That's spelled P -E -A -C -E. 171 00:13:16,570 --> 00:13:22,290 And here to help explain what I mean, I have a hairbrush and a jam jar. 172 00:13:24,010 --> 00:13:26,150 I put the hairbrush into the jam jar. 173 00:13:27,530 --> 00:13:28,530 What happens? 174 00:13:28,630 --> 00:13:31,350 Well, I can't brush my hair until I get the brush out of the jar. 175 00:13:32,850 --> 00:13:34,290 Splendid. I hope that clears it up. 176 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,260 It does for me, and I so say all of us. 177 00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:45,340 And remember, don't be shy about women's... I mean, don't be shy about 178 00:13:45,340 --> 00:13:50,360 women's... women's coconut... Don't be... Don't be coconut shy. 179 00:13:53,660 --> 00:13:54,880 Or guess the weight of the pig. 180 00:13:55,620 --> 00:13:58,800 Go quite openly to Luton, find a floor, waggle your two ears, get out your 181 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,980 hairbrush and use the Birmingham one -way system, and good luck to you. 182 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:47,180 The latest victims done to death in the continuing gory story of Brimstone 183 00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:51,110 Grange were none other than young Billy Brimstone, who had been married for only 184 00:14:51,110 --> 00:14:54,690 a fortnight, what the Sunday papers would describe as a two -week 185 00:14:54,870 --> 00:15:01,010 and Otto Van Dancer, oily German, crack shot, and hitherto chief suspect in this 186 00:15:01,010 --> 00:15:01,889 bizarre affair. 187 00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:05,110 Pike, the rustly butler, was for once not in evidence. 188 00:15:05,950 --> 00:15:10,930 Figgy Malone, second -rate private eye and inveterate glutton, and his more 189 00:15:10,930 --> 00:15:14,630 fastidious but equally pathetic assistant, Charlie Farley, had witnessed 190 00:15:14,630 --> 00:15:19,490 whole affair, however, and spent a long time at police headquarters helping the 191 00:15:19,490 --> 00:15:20,800 police. with their inquiry. 192 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:30,060 Thank you. 193 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,840 All works. 194 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:35,980 Could we have our sacks back, please? 195 00:15:36,260 --> 00:15:38,200 My mum keeps you for the onions. Oh, yes. 196 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,300 Thank you. 197 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:42,880 Thanks very much. 198 00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:48,020 No, not you, Mrs Parsons. 199 00:15:48,420 --> 00:15:49,580 We're not at your house yet. 200 00:15:58,100 --> 00:15:59,100 Come on, let's go in. 201 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:00,320 Wait a minute, Chief. 202 00:16:00,740 --> 00:16:03,180 You realise that only Miss Blanche left. 203 00:16:03,740 --> 00:16:04,920 And Pike the butler. 204 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:06,280 You mean... Exactly. 205 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,100 What? 206 00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:09,840 What? What do you mean? 207 00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:11,700 How do you mean? 208 00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:16,060 Well, you said exactly. Yes, I meant exactly what you were going to say. 209 00:16:16,940 --> 00:16:18,040 I wasn't going to say anything. 210 00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:25,260 Well, I was going to say that the murderer must be Pike the butler. Or 211 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:26,280 Exactly. 212 00:16:29,020 --> 00:16:32,040 Anyway, I suggest we treat them both with the utmost caution. Go on. 213 00:17:41,820 --> 00:17:43,460 What the devil are you doing here? 214 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:47,100 Oh, we're rehearsing for the musical evening tonight. 215 00:17:47,340 --> 00:17:48,340 Musical evening? 216 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:49,640 What musical evening? 217 00:17:50,060 --> 00:17:52,780 Oh, Miss Blanche always has a musical evening on the first Thursday in the 218 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,420 month. She loves anything musical. 219 00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:55,740 Oh, does she indeed? 220 00:17:56,180 --> 00:17:57,740 I show her my cigarette box. 221 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,920 Ah, gentlemen, you're back. 222 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,920 Is it true, madam, that you are holding a musical soiree here this evening? 223 00:18:06,180 --> 00:18:07,780 Yes. But never mind that now. 224 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,940 Come to my bedroom. I've got something to show you. 225 00:18:11,140 --> 00:18:13,220 It'll make you go hot and cold. 226 00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:24,920 I am out to get you. 227 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:30,040 I will kill you like I killed all the others. You will die a horrible death, I 228 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:30,859 promise you. 229 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,680 Very best wishes, Anonymous. 230 00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:33,900 Do you know this man? 231 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,540 It can only be from Pike. He's the only one left. 232 00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:40,440 And you yourself, of course, madam. But I wouldn't threaten my own life. 233 00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:44,500 Of course not. There's a reason, Chief. I mean, goodness me, if she continued to 234 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:46,440 ignore these letters, she'd be forced to kill herself. 235 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:48,640 Exactly. 236 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,400 She could commit suicide and make it look like murder. 237 00:18:52,460 --> 00:18:55,780 This would incriminate Pike, and she'd get away scot -free. 238 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,200 True. 239 00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:00,300 Right. 240 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,340 Anyone else got any ideas? 241 00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:03,620 Where is Pike? 242 00:19:05,550 --> 00:19:06,650 I haven't seen him all day. 243 00:19:07,410 --> 00:19:11,070 You don't think he's lurking somewhere, do you? 244 00:19:11,370 --> 00:19:15,570 Well, wherever he is, and whatever he's doing, Miss Blanche, one thing is 245 00:19:15,570 --> 00:19:20,270 certain. From now on, neither of us should leave your side for a moment. 246 00:19:21,850 --> 00:19:22,850 Ever. 247 00:19:38,350 --> 00:19:39,530 Well, I could know the picture, couldn't I? 248 00:19:39,730 --> 00:19:41,690 Oh, yes. What's on the local? Anybody know? 249 00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:45,410 Uh, yes, that, um... It's got a picture, you know. 250 00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:47,770 That's Ica. 251 00:19:52,370 --> 00:19:55,950 The two 252 00:19:55,950 --> 00:20:02,830 detectives worked tirelessly to safeguard the life of the friendly 253 00:20:02,830 --> 00:20:06,910 Blanche. And it was here that Charlie Farley, failed undergraduate, was to 254 00:20:06,910 --> 00:20:11,480 shine. bringing his keen mind to bear on the problem of a foolproof warning 255 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:12,480 system. 256 00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:30,620 Malone was content merely to look in occasionally and receive a progress 257 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:48,740 all right chief this is very good but supposing he comes in through the window 258 00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:53,400 exactly string 259 00:21:31,180 --> 00:21:32,180 That's more like it. 260 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:33,480 Yes. 261 00:21:34,780 --> 00:21:35,920 Now, how are you going to get out? 262 00:21:37,140 --> 00:21:39,200 Oh, well, I've got that door coming in on. 263 00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:41,340 Oh. 264 00:21:54,060 --> 00:21:57,080 But supposing the murderer comes in through that door over there? 265 00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:23,090 That door covered. 266 00:22:23,430 --> 00:22:26,130 Everything should be sort of just set now. 267 00:22:26,730 --> 00:22:27,790 Go out and try it, Chief. 268 00:22:28,530 --> 00:22:29,530 No, no. 269 00:22:30,170 --> 00:22:32,150 You go out and try it. Go on. 270 00:22:52,460 --> 00:22:53,520 Suppose this is simpler. 271 00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:54,900 Yeah. 272 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:56,600 Mind you, it means we've got to sit up all night. 273 00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:58,920 Oh, I don't mind. I'd do anything to protect Miss Blanche. 274 00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:00,620 Where is she, by the way? 275 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,540 Oh, she's in the... All the time I saw her. 276 00:23:06,860 --> 00:23:07,860 Go, Benny. 277 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,020 Where's Miss Blanche, my good man? 278 00:23:15,380 --> 00:23:16,380 I'm not sure, sir. 279 00:23:16,580 --> 00:23:17,580 Search for her, man. 280 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:19,080 Her life's been threatened. 281 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:25,199 Wait a minute, Chief. What? 282 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:26,200 That was Pike. 283 00:23:27,980 --> 00:23:28,980 Someone asked for him. 284 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:41,480 Disappeared. 285 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,640 I suggest we search for Miss Blount's cheek. We must get to her before he 286 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:57,000 It was three hours later when they finally found her. 287 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:06,840 Hello, boys. 288 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:12,980 Oh, Miss Flush, I'm so glad we found you. I've been so worried. 289 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:17,280 When I saw your legs lying in the grass, I didn't know where to put myself. 290 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:18,560 Naughty boy. 291 00:24:19,900 --> 00:24:23,040 I don't want to alarm you, madam, but Pike is back. 292 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,860 I know, I've seen him. I think he's quite harmless. 293 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,160 You may do. I'd still like to have a word with him. 294 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,140 Come on, let's all go and look for him. Where do you suggest we look? 295 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:33,340 Well, where do you expect the bastard to be? 296 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,420 I should think probably hanging around the kitchen. 297 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,560 I suggest you get him in here at once. 298 00:24:46,140 --> 00:24:47,059 Very well. 299 00:24:47,060 --> 00:24:48,060 I'll ring for him. 300 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:01,840 Butler didn't do it after all. And if he didn't, then who was the mysterious 301 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:04,720 killer who lurked unseen in the dim corridors of Brimston Grange? 302 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:08,720 Piggy Malone and Charlie Farley had already agreed to sleep in Blanche's 303 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,760 to protect her. Or was it to protect each other? 304 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:13,160 One thing was certain. 305 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,300 There would be very little sleep for anyone that night. 306 00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:38,630 You took me up to heaven when you took me in your arms. 307 00:25:38,970 --> 00:25:45,730 I was dazzled by your kisses, blinded by your charms. 308 00:25:45,850 --> 00:25:52,810 I was lost, I was lost in a fool's paradise, fool's paradise. 309 00:25:52,930 --> 00:25:57,990 Good and lost, good and lost in a fool's paradise. 310 00:26:00,970 --> 00:26:07,170 When you told me that you love me, I gave my heart to you. 311 00:26:07,830 --> 00:26:14,250 And I wondered if there could be any truth in love so new. 312 00:26:14,530 --> 00:26:16,270 I was lost. 313 00:26:16,550 --> 00:26:17,910 I was lost. 314 00:26:18,170 --> 00:26:19,810 In a fool's paradise. 315 00:26:20,290 --> 00:26:21,350 Fool's paradise. 316 00:26:22,030 --> 00:26:23,450 Good and lost. 317 00:26:23,770 --> 00:26:26,770 Good and lost. In a fool's paradise. 318 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,520 The whole world was my kingdom. 319 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,920 And your love was jamming my crown. 320 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:43,080 Then I saw you glance at a new romance. And my love came tumbling down. 321 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,960 Though you treat me kind of foolish. 322 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:50,280 And may never let me know. 323 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,060 That you think I'm being foolish. 324 00:26:55,060 --> 00:26:57,480 Because I love you so. 325 00:26:57,860 --> 00:26:59,340 I still got love. 326 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,100 I still get lost in a fool's paradise. 327 00:27:03,500 --> 00:27:04,920 Fool's paradise. 328 00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:06,780 Lost with you. 329 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:10,160 Lost with you. In a fool's paradise. 330 00:27:40,090 --> 00:27:42,870 I still get lost. 331 00:27:43,070 --> 00:27:44,550 I still get lost. 332 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:26,560 Good evening. 333 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:28,440 Listen to this, by the way, listen to this. 334 00:28:29,300 --> 00:28:35,140 Mr. Corbett, dear sir, I'm getting tired of hearing about your new house, which 335 00:28:35,140 --> 00:28:38,400 you bought with money stained with the sweat and tears of the workers. 336 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:42,560 You are a capitalist and a lackey of the imperialist ruling classes. 337 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:46,140 Major General Sir Groppley Buff Ticket, KCB. 338 00:28:47,740 --> 00:28:49,300 Grafton Towers and the Athenaeum. 339 00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:50,760 Well, 340 00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:52,860 that's the way I treat those sort of letters. 341 00:28:54,140 --> 00:28:55,340 Especially if nobody laughs. 342 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:03,820 And I don't intend to comment any further, except to say that, believe it 343 00:29:03,820 --> 00:29:06,340 not, I have known what it is to be short. 344 00:29:08,700 --> 00:29:11,900 For instance, how many of you... Don't answer now until you've heard this 345 00:29:11,900 --> 00:29:15,960 question. Let me put it another way. Despite what you might have heard, I do 346 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,280 come from a very, very poor family. 347 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:22,260 My father was 27 years down the mine, and his dinner was still in the oven. 348 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:26,780 And my wife, my wife came from a very poor family as well. 349 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:28,740 Her father was a professional carol singer. 350 00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:36,900 And... When we got married, when we got married, even her wedding dress was army 351 00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:37,900 surplus. 352 00:29:38,580 --> 00:29:41,640 Now, the wedding reception itself was quite small, quite a small affair. 353 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:44,860 Half a pound of fruitcake and a bottle of tithes were between five and ten. 354 00:29:46,700 --> 00:29:48,300 And two of them were great crashers. 355 00:29:49,260 --> 00:29:52,820 How the memories come flooding back, I hope. I remember... 356 00:29:53,290 --> 00:29:56,350 I remember it distinctly, I do remember, because we couldn't afford the church 357 00:29:56,350 --> 00:29:58,150 organ, so we brought our own. 358 00:29:58,430 --> 00:30:00,910 You know, the music wasn't bad, but the monkey was a bit of a nuisance. 359 00:30:04,730 --> 00:30:06,470 Setting a bad example to the choir. 360 00:30:10,490 --> 00:30:14,850 Then there was this terrible, terrible mix -up over my wife's flowers from the 361 00:30:14,850 --> 00:30:18,890 florist, and she finally walked down the aisle with a floral dartboard made of 362 00:30:18,890 --> 00:30:21,610 carnations, which read, Goodbye, Sid, from the lads at the Rose and Crown. 363 00:30:25,309 --> 00:30:28,930 Unfortunately, unfortunately, her dear mother could not be there because she 364 00:30:28,930 --> 00:30:30,390 a deserter from the WVS. 365 00:30:31,530 --> 00:30:34,190 She was picked up two years later and shot, trying to escape. 366 00:30:34,950 --> 00:30:37,750 That's not actually really true, but if I told you the truth, you'd never 367 00:30:37,750 --> 00:30:38,750 believe me. 368 00:30:39,290 --> 00:30:42,990 And, strangely enough, my wife was in show business at the time. You know, she 369 00:30:42,990 --> 00:30:47,830 was the girl half of a... Naturally, she was the girl half of a very bad knife 370 00:30:47,830 --> 00:30:51,010 -throwing act, which explains why she's a little bit ragged round the edges. 371 00:30:54,270 --> 00:30:57,530 But I'll say no more about that because, you know, it is depressing me. 372 00:30:58,510 --> 00:30:59,970 It's not that you're a lot of good, actually. 373 00:31:02,950 --> 00:31:07,110 I could go on for hours, really, about the hard times. I could tell you about 374 00:31:07,110 --> 00:31:10,610 how we lived in a boarding house and how we were so hard up that on Sunday 375 00:31:10,610 --> 00:31:13,590 mornings the landlord used to let us go down and dip our bread in his egg. 376 00:31:15,790 --> 00:31:20,050 My goodness, how my wife has changed. By Jove. Now, we went on a luxury cruise 377 00:31:20,050 --> 00:31:23,950 last year. It's rather hard to say luxury cruise. We went on a luxury 378 00:31:23,950 --> 00:31:28,110 last year. Without actually doing that, you know. If you go luxury cruise, it's 379 00:31:28,110 --> 00:31:29,049 really quite easy. 380 00:31:29,050 --> 00:31:34,110 If you go luxury cruise... We went on a luxury cruise last year. 381 00:31:36,270 --> 00:31:37,830 I think I talk like that all the time. 382 00:31:38,030 --> 00:31:40,630 We went... Shut that door. 383 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:53,900 We went on a luxury cruise last year, and the first day out, the purser, a big 384 00:31:53,900 --> 00:31:58,420 handsome fellow, said, Mrs. Corbett? No, he didn't. He said, Anne, darling, I... 385 00:31:58,420 --> 00:32:01,760 I knew there was something I meant to speak to her about. 386 00:32:02,580 --> 00:32:07,100 He said, I put you at the captain's table for dinner, and she said, I'm 387 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:08,820 but at these prices, I'm not eating with the crew. 388 00:32:10,660 --> 00:32:15,660 Which reminds me of a rather... Which reminds me of a rather amusing incident 389 00:32:15,660 --> 00:32:17,860 that happened to me on a train a few years ago. 390 00:32:18,380 --> 00:32:22,200 I was en route for... That's one of these other words, I was en route. 391 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:27,820 I was en route... for a cruise. 392 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:30,720 Look at the muck in this place. 393 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:37,860 I was... I was... I was en 394 00:32:37,860 --> 00:32:42,920 route for Portsmouth to take part in rather a cheap pantomime, Goldilocks and 395 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:43,920 the Two Bears. 396 00:32:44,909 --> 00:32:46,970 Or it might have been Robin Hood and his merry man. 397 00:32:48,170 --> 00:32:49,170 It doesn't matter. 398 00:32:49,750 --> 00:32:51,450 It mattered then, but it doesn't matter now. 399 00:32:51,870 --> 00:32:56,330 So I got into this compartment with three or four sailors and a bishop. 400 00:32:56,710 --> 00:33:00,170 So we're going along, and I'm just sitting there, and the sailors are 401 00:33:00,170 --> 00:33:02,110 one another's hats and generally having a good time. 402 00:33:03,810 --> 00:33:10,250 One of the sailors, one of the sailors, a big petty officer, 403 00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:14,160 Was reading the newspaper, you see. Now, he leaned across to touch the bishop on 404 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:14,799 the knee. 405 00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:16,800 We had a hell of a job getting him down off the luggage rack. 406 00:33:17,780 --> 00:33:18,780 Anyway, 407 00:33:19,900 --> 00:33:23,320 we had all settled down, you see. And he said to the bishop, what I was going to 408 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:25,940 ask your grace is, what is gout? 409 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:29,500 And the bishop said, I'm glad you asked me that. 410 00:33:30,060 --> 00:33:33,040 I don't know why he said that, but he did. He said, I'm glad you asked me 411 00:33:33,300 --> 00:33:37,740 He said, my good man, gout is a complaint that you get from drinking too 412 00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:41,520 smoking too much, and going out with Portsmouth ladies like Lampost Lill and 413 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:42,520 Hospital Hattie. 414 00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:47,520 That is the cause of the gout. He said, why do you ask? And the sailor said, 415 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:49,620 well, it says here that the Archbishop of Canterbury's got it. 416 00:34:06,030 --> 00:34:07,030 Good evening. 417 00:34:08,150 --> 00:34:13,170 Tonight, we're going to look at Alex Dovnia's amazing spheroids, now on loan 418 00:34:13,170 --> 00:34:14,170 the British Museum. 419 00:34:14,429 --> 00:34:18,350 We'll be talking to a man who has the largest collection of plimsolls in Great 420 00:34:18,350 --> 00:34:21,570 Britain. But first, Queen Victoria. 421 00:34:22,230 --> 00:34:26,989 There have been many plays written about her, and in fact, a new musical is at 422 00:34:26,989 --> 00:34:28,110 this moment in preparation. 423 00:34:28,949 --> 00:34:34,090 The first stage representation of Her Majesty was, however, in the music hall. 424 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:40,580 in 1907, performed by a well -known double act of the time known as Lescombe 425 00:34:40,580 --> 00:34:41,580 Daft. 426 00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:45,760 They received three years in Pentonville for insulting the Queen's person. 427 00:34:46,300 --> 00:34:50,880 As Lescombe would have said, if he'd been alive today, get out of that. 428 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:57,480 We offer you now that same sketch as it was performed, absolutely verbatim. 429 00:34:57,800 --> 00:34:59,720 Only the words have been changed. 430 00:35:00,740 --> 00:35:03,300 We present Change Here. 431 00:35:03,870 --> 00:35:04,870 For Victoria. 432 00:35:22,910 --> 00:35:26,250 Miss Florence Nightingale and Mr. Oscar Wilde. 433 00:35:27,990 --> 00:35:30,510 I was talking to Florence just now. 434 00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:32,880 And I said, why don't you get married? 435 00:35:33,180 --> 00:35:35,580 And she said, I'm waiting for my ship to come in. 436 00:35:35,820 --> 00:35:38,580 And I said, you've been waiting so long, your jet is collapsed. 437 00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:51,880 We are not amused, silly 438 00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:52,880 queen. 439 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:58,560 Where is my faithful retainer, John Brine, the queen's trusted ghillie? 440 00:35:58,890 --> 00:36:05,870 Gilly, gilly. Thank you very much. And now we'd like to do Anne and 441 00:36:05,870 --> 00:36:07,550 Eagle. It's about time somebody did. 442 00:36:08,510 --> 00:36:12,670 Ah, my dear Mr. Holmes, are you enjoying the picnic? Indeed, yes, Your Majesty. 443 00:36:13,870 --> 00:36:17,910 Tell me, should we this morning go to Spitalfield Market, walk through a patch 444 00:36:17,910 --> 00:36:21,550 of damp clay and lean against the red brick wall at 11 .30 precisely? 445 00:36:22,230 --> 00:36:23,230 No. 446 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:24,740 Ah, well, just a shot in the dark. 447 00:36:25,660 --> 00:36:29,060 By the way, Your Majesty, I was asked to give you this message. Oh, thank you 448 00:36:29,060 --> 00:36:30,340 very much, dear Sherlock. 449 00:36:31,140 --> 00:36:36,840 Dear Your Majesty, hoot, I've been a war, but very, very soon I shall be 450 00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:39,240 returning the new to the old button bell. 451 00:36:41,620 --> 00:36:47,660 P .S. That's probably me now. 452 00:36:49,100 --> 00:36:51,400 Leave me, everyone. We wish to be alone. 453 00:36:55,690 --> 00:36:57,470 Your Majesty, are you alone? 454 00:36:57,910 --> 00:36:59,450 Yes, John, we are in here. 455 00:36:59,930 --> 00:37:01,470 I thought you said you were alone. 456 00:37:01,930 --> 00:37:02,888 Oh, I am. 457 00:37:02,890 --> 00:37:04,390 I was using the royal wee. 458 00:37:04,690 --> 00:37:06,110 All right, I'll wait till you're finished. 459 00:37:08,590 --> 00:37:12,110 Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present Five Foot of Fun in the Sparrow, 460 00:37:12,110 --> 00:37:13,330 lovely John Brown. 461 00:37:18,730 --> 00:37:19,850 Thank you very much. 462 00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:24,379 Good evening. 463 00:37:24,380 --> 00:37:27,320 Tonight I was going to give you a little exhibition of some Highland dancing, 464 00:37:27,460 --> 00:37:30,500 but I washed my kilt last night and I can't do a flame with it. 465 00:37:31,500 --> 00:37:33,100 Oh dear, how do you write the kilt, Mrs? 466 00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:35,140 BBC tartan. Small checks. 467 00:37:35,380 --> 00:37:36,380 Well, I don't know. 468 00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:41,280 Oh, it's so cold today, isn't it? It's far too cold for a picnic, so it is. 469 00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:43,240 far too cold for a picnic. 470 00:37:43,460 --> 00:37:44,640 It's far too cold. 471 00:37:45,820 --> 00:37:48,680 Cold enough to freeze the brass buttons off a flunky, so it is. 472 00:37:49,690 --> 00:37:51,730 I don't know where the wind's coming from, but I can't well where it's going. 473 00:37:52,810 --> 00:37:57,030 I'm sorry, Your Majesty, to have delayed you, but I was dashing here on my penny 474 00:37:57,030 --> 00:37:59,890 farthing and I got caught by the peelers. Oh, how painful. 475 00:38:02,770 --> 00:38:05,490 Tell me, what has been happening while I've been away? 476 00:38:05,710 --> 00:38:09,850 Oh, quite a lot, dear John, quite a lot. Dear Charles Dickens gave us a preview 477 00:38:09,850 --> 00:38:10,850 of his little Dorrit. 478 00:38:12,090 --> 00:38:14,630 Oh, really? He sent me a copy of Oliver yesterday. 479 00:38:14,930 --> 00:38:15,649 Oh, twist. 480 00:38:15,650 --> 00:38:17,010 He must have been when he wrote that, hasn't he? 481 00:38:17,850 --> 00:38:19,230 Oh, and I had it very sad. 482 00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:22,070 I had a very sad letter from dear Dr Livingstone. 483 00:38:22,410 --> 00:38:24,910 Apparently, he's been bitten by the tetsy -tetsy. Oh, where? 484 00:38:25,130 --> 00:38:26,130 On the footsie -wootsie. 485 00:38:27,050 --> 00:38:30,910 But, my dear John, what of you, dear? Well, I have been very fortunate. I was 486 00:38:30,910 --> 00:38:33,930 one of the beaters at Lady Barragray's shooting party. 487 00:38:34,190 --> 00:38:39,950 Oh, yes. We got 23 pheasants, 14 grouse, and 29 partridge. Ah, quite a bag. Oh, 488 00:38:39,950 --> 00:38:40,950 you know her, do you? 489 00:38:41,670 --> 00:38:42,670 Oh, 490 00:38:43,690 --> 00:38:46,890 dear Miss Bailey. Hello, dear. Your Majesty, the Russians have invited 491 00:38:46,890 --> 00:38:48,570 Constantinople already yet. 492 00:38:49,050 --> 00:38:50,610 And there's wholesale slaughter. 493 00:38:50,970 --> 00:38:51,970 Wholesale slaughter? 494 00:38:52,230 --> 00:38:53,410 Yes, and I ordered retail. 495 00:38:54,530 --> 00:38:56,590 And there's trouble in the canal. 496 00:38:56,850 --> 00:38:57,850 Oh, but there's nothing. 497 00:38:58,190 --> 00:38:59,190 Nothing, she said. 498 00:38:59,310 --> 00:39:04,370 If you knew Sue Will, like I know Sue Will. Oh, oh, oh, what a mess. 499 00:39:05,970 --> 00:39:07,230 Great crested tit. 500 00:39:09,010 --> 00:39:11,730 Why did you say that, dear? Well, I haven't said a dicky butt for five 501 00:39:12,470 --> 00:39:15,530 I'm going to warn you, dear, I shall have to be off soon because I'm going to 502 00:39:15,530 --> 00:39:16,530 France on business. 503 00:39:16,940 --> 00:39:19,340 There's a fast packet in the harbour. Oh, let her wait. 504 00:39:19,720 --> 00:39:23,780 There's something very important I have to say to you, John, as my trusted 505 00:39:23,780 --> 00:39:30,700 gilly. Something very important transpired yesterday, 506 00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:31,538 my dear. 507 00:39:31,540 --> 00:39:35,060 I think I can say that I'm still in the first flush of womanhood. 508 00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:37,680 If that's your first flush deal, there's something wrong with your plumbing. 509 00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:41,560 No, you know I adore you. I adore the hurry of your skinkle and the way you 510 00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:42,560 sleek it grab me too. 511 00:39:42,660 --> 00:39:43,660 And I apologise. 512 00:39:43,860 --> 00:39:45,780 Apologise? Why? Well, I might have said something dirty. 513 00:39:46,620 --> 00:39:50,580 Oh, my English rose, be mine before the green fly gets you. Be mine, my proud 514 00:39:50,580 --> 00:39:51,860 beauty. I'm not proud. 515 00:39:52,120 --> 00:39:53,140 No, you're no beauty either. 516 00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:55,360 Will you marry me, my dear? 517 00:39:55,580 --> 00:39:59,040 I cannot marry you. You're a commoner. I'll have you know I'm in bark spirits. 518 00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:00,440 What has a bookmark? 519 00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:06,460 That's the second offer we've had in two days, you know. Only yesterday, dear 520 00:40:06,460 --> 00:40:10,080 General Gordon made us a proposal. He was hardly in the room. No wonder they 521 00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:11,080 call him Flash Gordon. 522 00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:14,200 Well, who is it to be, him or me? 523 00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:16,360 I'm afraid, dear Johnny, it can be neither of you. 524 00:40:16,820 --> 00:40:18,860 You see, England needs me. 525 00:40:19,260 --> 00:40:21,860 There is so much to do and so little time. 526 00:40:22,480 --> 00:40:25,720 I am but the servant of my people, and it will always be so. 527 00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:29,660 It is my privilege, my duty, and my destiny. 528 00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:35,160 And so, you see, dear Johnny, Our marriage can never be. Oh, I don't know, 529 00:40:35,220 --> 00:40:36,220 though. 530 00:40:37,020 --> 00:40:39,020 Dear Albert wouldn't mind, would you, dear? 531 00:40:39,420 --> 00:40:44,600 I'll feed his eggs. Oh, there he is. Poor dear, ever since the Crystal 532 00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:46,100 he's been making an exhibition of himself. 533 00:40:47,260 --> 00:40:49,860 Now I'd like to sing the song that made me famous. 534 00:40:50,380 --> 00:40:54,420 Recorded on HMV. Yes, Her Majesty's voice entitled, Turn Your Lamp Down, 535 00:40:54,540 --> 00:40:56,500 Florence. It's getting on me wick. Thank you. 536 00:40:59,850 --> 00:41:02,910 John Brown's body is the one that I adore. 537 00:41:03,230 --> 00:41:06,390 He sweeps me off my feet although he's only five foot four. 538 00:41:06,650 --> 00:41:10,990 His legs are strong and hairy and they reach right to the floor. How I love my 539 00:41:10,990 --> 00:41:12,510 little John. 540 00:41:13,770 --> 00:41:16,430 Glory, glory, hallelujah. 541 00:41:17,230 --> 00:41:19,970 Victoria is going to woo you. 542 00:41:20,370 --> 00:41:23,470 You really got it coming to you. 543 00:41:23,670 --> 00:41:26,230 Hold your hat on little John. 544 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:30,640 Victoria, Victoria, you're all the world to me. 545 00:41:30,940 --> 00:41:34,080 I really must see more of you. There's plenty there to see. 546 00:41:34,340 --> 00:41:38,560 You're the finest range of mountains from the Trossachs to Dundee. How she 547 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:40,360 her little John. 548 00:41:40,980 --> 00:41:45,800 When we dally with Disraeli, we are really not amused. But my Johnny's 549 00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:48,020 whimsicalities just cannot be refused. 550 00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:53,000 Do you want to dance the hornpipe? Do I want to be excused? How she loves her 551 00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:54,820 little John. 552 00:42:33,070 --> 00:42:34,070 Thank you. 553 00:42:35,630 --> 00:42:39,490 Well, that's all for this week. Next week, we shall be talking to Fanny 554 00:42:39,490 --> 00:42:42,810 Craddock, who announced this evening that she is to join Women's Lib. 555 00:42:43,190 --> 00:42:46,750 When she was asked if this would mean she would be burning her bra, she said, 556 00:42:46,750 --> 00:42:49,590 no, darling, I'll 30 it with onions and a little white wine. 557 00:42:53,470 --> 00:42:55,630 Now, finally, some late news items. 558 00:42:55,890 --> 00:43:00,530 It is ten years exactly since the president of Karamba, Senor Carioca, had 559 00:43:00,530 --> 00:43:02,230 unfortunate encounter with the steamroller. 560 00:43:02,780 --> 00:43:05,820 In the Caramban capital today, a portrait of the president was unveiled. 561 00:43:06,100 --> 00:43:09,500 The painting is life -size, 38 foot long and two inches wide. 562 00:43:11,700 --> 00:43:17,360 Short -sighted Lady Myopia Potheringay opened the new haberdashery centre at 563 00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,700 Slough today by cutting a ceremonial ribbon. 564 00:43:19,980 --> 00:43:23,620 As she did so, a large crowd cheered and her knickers fell down. 565 00:43:32,590 --> 00:43:38,850 And finally, in Covent Garden today, Mr. Dudley Arkwright ate 622 radishes in 6 566 00:43:38,850 --> 00:43:39,970 minutes and 23 seconds. 567 00:43:40,650 --> 00:43:44,250 Unfortunately, this doesn't count as a world record, as he had a following win. 568 00:43:53,550 --> 00:43:56,950 And now it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.